Expressing the C-word

By Shernell Pather

Getting rid of icky commitment issues.

It’s that moment where he looks at you and says 3 words, 8 letters, that are about to change your world…I Love You. You would think that you would be ecstatic or over the moon, but you find yourself standing there not saying a word. Thoughts start racing through your mind, begging you to say something, anything but you don’t and you left scouting the room in search of  the nearest exist.

Many people think that when we mention the word commitment it is associated with men, but now-a-days you find that women are the one’s kissing and breaking hearts.  Tracy-Ann Smith, a Clinical Psychologist notes that even though the quantity between men and women who don’t commit to relationships is not greatly wide, the ‘modern era’ has allowed a woman to have more freedom to control her life.“…The role of the “modern era” is one that I would consider to be more important.  Women have far more choices now than they did years ago.  Financial independence is a significant factor as well as the changes in societal expectations of women.  Social and personal norms are now also far more “geared” towards a more independent way of being.”  

Therefore for many women who transition from a young girl to a woman tend to be more focused about their careers and may find it difficult to commit to a steady relationship.  One must remember that women are described as emotional beings and it is the fear of a man defining who we are, that plays a major role for many women who are struggling to commit to their potential partners. Paul Douglass, a life coach for Avon Hypnotherapy, suggests that women begin to develop commitment symptoms. This is highlighted below;

•  Women may annoy or hurt the other person through sabotaging the relationship, even if it's considered to be working well.
• Women may be flirtatious and appear to want the attentions of other interested parties which would potentially result in a long term relationship, but fear gets in the way and they push away.
• Often friends and relatives notice and will often make comments like: 'you're being too picky', and 'Mr Perfect' just doesn't exist'. 

With all these terrifying ‘symptoms’ that a woman may develop before, during or after a relationship, it would seem it is difficult to overcome this. However, some women do overcome the icky part of commitment issues. Cassie*, who was a non-committer recently overcame her fear of a being in a relationship when she met partner. The pair have been together for a year and Cassie* notes that a key point that helped her was that she was able to reflect on herself. “Once I acknowledged that it was fear that was holding me back and I was scared of letting someone in, it made me realise that I could have not been emotionally, physically and mentally ready for a relationship.”

Each individual overcomes obstacles when it comes to commitment. These are three steps in order for woman to begin the process of trying to overcome commitment. Redefine what commitment means to you, by stating what is important one can build a foundation of trust and honesty between you and you’re partner. The next step is to focus on your goals, women do want to succeed in their career but the key is to find a balance between work and play time.  Finally by talking to someone professional that doesn’t know you, will give you and unbiased opinion about the fears in your life, this will help overcome the fears trapped within you. Commitment is not something that goes away overnight but the journey beings with you choosing to overcome this.

*Name has been changed to protect person’s identity.